Who I really am

[Wataru Akiyama]

I should let you guys know that after more contemplation, I have finally realized my sincerely female identity. My original reversal of the decision was primarily based upon premature fear that I wouldn't be truly accepted for being transgendered, and that the most logical path would be to find a reason for still being male. As much as I have tried to just go along peacefully without questioning my gender, it's ultimately been impossible for me to completely ignore. Even if I would briefly distract myself from the notion, it would still chronically reappear because I have not felt comfortable expressing myself as a man. It feels awkward to me.

I have been officially transitioning from male to female since April, and I'm completely confident about it this time. I know not everybody is going to fully understand or embrace me for such an unconventional life decision, but I also know that I already feel much generally happier, and my state of mind feels much more congruent with my sense of self.

I'm going to continue using this account here, and if you must refer to me by my personal name, call me Jackie. I prefer it over Megan, since it's much closer to my original name and thus far easier for myself and others to adapt to.

Hi, have they set you up with hormones yet?

[#Infinity]

Hi, have they set you up with hormones yet?

Yeah, I've been on hormones for a bit over half a year now. The external effects are massive yet, but they are definitely there, and I feel especially happier on a psychological level in particular.

This whole thing isn't really something I want to flash in anybody's face, and I'm totally sympathetic even if you don't understand or fully accept it, but I just felt this community should at least be familiar with this one part of me as part of my greater whole.

[Wataru Akiyama]

Hi, have they set you up with hormones yet?

Yeah, I've been on hormones for a bit over half a year now. The external effects are massive yet, but they are definitely there, and I feel especially happier on a psychological level in particular.

This whole thing isn't really something I want to flash in anybody's face, and I'm totally sympathetic even if you don't understand or fully accept it, but I just felt this community should at least be familiar with this one part of me as part of my greater whole.

Accept it? Hell, I used to...um...have relations with someone like you a few years ago. .

Are you employed? If so, how's the worksite handling your transformation? Talked to your immediate family recently?

[Kat]

A few of you may already know about this, and I really didn't feel like saying this immediately, but after holding it in for a time, I think I'm finally ready to come out.

I am #Infinity.

Before you guys start entering a panic attack, I believe that I should explain why I registered two accounts. "#Infinity" is really just the identity that I go by publically, deceptively representing myself as a boy. In other words, it's my "outward" self. Deep inside, however, I do not, at all, feel like a male psychologically. I happen to be a MTF transgender, and I go by "Megan188" to showcase myself as a girl. Megan is my "inward" and true identity.

When I was a little kid, I was not starkly aware of the fact that I was really a girl. Although I actually found a lot of interest in a variety of girly things, not to mention my favorite color by far is pink, the idea of actually being a girl was inconceivable to me because I was in a boy's body. As a result, I kind of forced myself to "follow the rules" and only try to be a boy. Although I sort of got used to this after a while, I can honestly say that I never really felt passionate about my gender and often felt like I was forcing it when trying to fit in with some of the truly masculine interests of my peers.

However, things really started to change once I hit puberty. After having closed myself off from girls for so many years, I started to appreciate them a lot more, having become sexually attracted to them. Actually, although I later realized that I was bisexual, I originally thought I was straight, probably because my vision of older guys back then was a rather intimidating one. After learning that it was in fact possible to change into the opposite sex, I knew that I desperately wanted to become a girl, but I didn't yet know why.

Now that I've matured several years since then, I can fully say that I very much feel like a bisexual female, inconveniently trapped in a male body. I simply don't get any enjoyment out of my outward gender at all. Psychologically, I feel like a very soft, light, sugary, and delicate person who should clearly look like a woman. It feels like my soul is at tension with my body, which unwittingly represents me in a tougher, far more inaccurate way. It tears me apart mentally, because I feel incredibly awkward having to hide my real identity all the time just to show myself artificially. If I could have just one wish in the world, it would undoubtedly be to become a girl, because having considered this for such a long time now, I know that being female would bring me an indescribable amount of joy and relieve so much of the pain and stress that I've had to put up with all the time in my life.

Feeling like you're a girl stuck in a boy's body is not easy, and most people aren't used to seeing others stating this outloud. As a result, open transgenders are horribly discriminated against, with many stating they'd rather see the person dead than for them to become the opposite sex. It's heartbreaking and sad to me, but unfortunately that's what happens when society just isn't ready to see a deviation from conformity. Honestly, I feel that if there are so many other girls in the world, why can't I be one, too? I don't have any control over whehter I'm born in a male or female body, so why do I have to be oppressively forced to live as a boy just because I was born one, even though I clearly don't feel like one? It makes me feel completely miserable.

Point is, although I'm still going to disguise myself in my fake male identity for one more year of high school, I wanted to finally come out as a girl online because it incredibly painful having to hold it all in for so long. I know that not all of you guys will be able to stomach everything I stated and may suddenly hate me for it, but if that's how you feel, then so be it. My only true friends, anyway, are the ones who are able to at least somewhat understand what I'm going through and offer support, not outrageous hate. From now on, I'm going to post only under this account, because I want to feel like my true self when I'm online. To me, there is nothing more important in life than to just be yourself, regardless of what other people tell you to be. If you can do what you know is right for yourself, then it feels so much more satisfying to give back to the world.

<3 Megan White

Impressive! You don't need two names You have to be the one.