Megan188 wrote: 07 Jul 2010, 04:20
A few of you may already know about this, and I really didn't feel like saying this immediately, but after holding it in for a time, I think I'm finally ready to come out.
I am #Infinity.
Before you guys start entering a panic attack, I believe that I should explain why I registered two accounts. "#Infinity" is really just the identity that I go by publically, deceptively representing myself as a boy. In other words, it's my "outward" self. Deep inside, however, I do not, at all, feel like a male psychologically. I happen to be a MTF transgender, and I go by "Megan188" to showcase myself as a girl. Megan is my "inward" and
true identity.
When I was a little kid, I was not starkly aware of the fact that I was really a girl. Although I actually found a lot of interest in a variety of girly things, not to mention my favorite color
by far is pink, the idea of actually being a girl was inconceivable to me because I was in a boy's body. As a result, I kind of forced myself to "follow the rules" and only try to be a boy. Although I sort of got used to this after a while, I can honestly say that I never really felt passionate about my gender and often felt like I was forcing it when trying to fit in with some of the
truly masculine interests of my peers.
However, things
really started to change once I hit puberty. After having closed myself off from girls for so many years, I started to appreciate them a lot more, having become sexually attracted to them. Actually, although I later realized that I was bisexual, I originally thought I was straight, probably because my vision of older guys back then was a rather intimidating one. After learning that it
was in fact possible to change into the opposite sex, I knew that I desperately wanted to become a girl, but I didn't yet know why.
Now that I've matured several years since then, I can fully say that I very much feel like a bisexual female, inconveniently trapped in a male body. I simply don't get
any enjoyment out of my outward gender at all. Psychologically, I feel like a very soft, light, sugary, and delicate person who should clearly look like a woman. It feels like my soul is at tension with my body, which unwittingly represents me in a tougher, far more inaccurate way. It tears me apart mentally, because I feel incredibly awkward having to hide my real identity all the time just to show myself artificially. If I could have just
one wish in the world, it would
undoubtedly be to become a girl, because having considered this for such a long time now, I
know that being female would bring me an indescribable amount of joy and relieve so much of the pain and stress that I've had to put up with all the time in my life.
Feeling like you're a girl stuck in a boy's body is not easy, and most people aren't used to seeing others stating this outloud. As a result, open transgenders are horribly discriminated against, with many stating they'd rather see the person dead than for them to become the opposite sex. It's heartbreaking and sad to me, but unfortunately that's what happens when society just isn't ready to see a deviation from conformity. Honestly, I feel that if there are
so many other girls in the world, why can't I be one, too? I don't have any control over whehter I'm born in a male or female body, so why do I have to be oppressively forced to live as a boy just because I was born one, even though I clearly don't
feel like one? It makes me feel completely miserable.
Point is, although I'm still going to disguise myself in my fake male identity for one more year of high school, I wanted to finally come out as a girl online because it incredibly painful having to hold it all in for so long. I know that not all of you guys will be able to stomach everything I stated and may suddenly hate me for it, but if that's how you feel, then so be it. My only
true friends, anyway, are the ones who are able to at least somewhat understand what I'm going through and offer support, not outrageous hate. From now on, I'm going to post only under this account, because I want to feel like my true self when I'm online. To me, there is nothing more important in life than to just be yourself, regardless of what other people tell you to be. If you can do what you know is right for yourself, then it feels so much more satisfying to give back to the world.
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3 Megan White
You have to be the one.